Didn't Know I Was High?


It is 5:13 am and I am not going to lie, I am wide the fuck awake!  I could not be more awake right now if I was really awake (side note:  my favorite thing to do is to make asinine statements or comparisons that only compare to themselves).

As I sit here and wonder about my supposedly “high blood pressure” and try to figure out what that means, I ponder what it is that makes people do anything in this world.  Why am I driven to be in this business?  Whatever reason it is, there is no turning back now.  I guess technically, there is turning back, but I choose not to do that.  This is the world some people thing I am living in and what they assume I must look like.  This picture is defined as “clown” which is a word used in the definition of a comedian in Webster’s dictionary, “…a clown.”

I am not going to lie to you, there are some pretty cool things happening in the world of comedy and I am lucky enough to be a part of some of them.  So, no complaints from me in that area.  Sure, I could complain about not working enough, but guess who is in charge of that?  Me.  What?  Am I going to yell at myself for being a shitty booker?  No, because I hate the bullshit business side of it all and as long as I am able to eat and survive, good job me.  Now, I just need to get one of these things to pat myself on the back more easily:

When I was a kid I wanted to tell jokes on tv.  I will someday.  I am not sure when that day is, but I know it is coming and everyday that passes becomes one more day closer to that day.  Do I need a huge audience and hundreds of people to read this blog?  No.  Do I dream of a day when people adore me and wait with bated breath for my next interweb update?  No.

Am I writing this blog right now because it is better than refolding all my clothes in my closet? Possibly.  Is it better than lying in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering why I cannot sleep? More than likely.  It definitely is better than watching some bullshit on tv.

I will tell you this…I recently had an audition for the Comedy Central Show “Live at Gotham.”  Thanks to a buddy of mine who got me on the show and it was a great experience.  If you are wondering what jokes I did, here’s the set list in this exact order:

1.  It likes to drink
2. Tyra Banks is my nemesis
3. The History of America

The set was to be 7 minutes long and I believe I came in right at that time. I drew the dreaded first slot on the show, which I did not mind because in my opinion it is better to be first than 20th on a long show like that. Jokes are jokes and funny is funny no matter where or when in the show you go. A good friend of mine recently asked/accused me of “sabotaging” my career with my joke choice of “It” as the first joke I told. He said that obviously because the people of Columbus stared at me when I told it.

I think of it as the complete opposite of sabotage though.  I think of it as a carefully planned and executed strategy that will ultimately culminate in me being as true to my sense of humor as I can be and subsequently portraying that to the masses via a comedy program on television.  In the end, we all win with this because I will be continuing on that path to be the best comedian I can be and the people will hopefully enjoy that hard work and honesty.

At the end of the day, I am not concerned with when I get on tv. However, I am very concerned with what I get on tv with. That make sense? Not to sound like a hard-ass or delusional, but I am not going to be on tv if it means telling the jokes I do not want to tell. It is not that I dislike these other jokes, but I will only tell the jokes I want to tell and if that means I am not on tv as quickly as I could have been, so be it. No sweat off my back. I am completely bought into the idea that what you put out in the universe to represent you will over time become the foundation of who it is you are. Here are two quotes that I have combined into one from Buddha and Upanishad:

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. As a man acts, so does he become. As a man’s desire is, so is his destiny.”

That sums up perfectly how I feel about my comedy career. As soon as I finish this blog, I am going to sit and think about all that it is that I want. Not so much that I want it, as much as I am going to have it. Keep in mind I could wake up tomorrow and realize that I am missing out on my life’s calling to be a wicker chair weaver and move to some artsy community to be an understudy of some old man who has worn hands and a beautiful granddaughter.

Who knows? If she looks like Patricia Arquette circa “True Romance” count me in.


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