Transcript of "The United Snacks of America"

This post is in response to a google search term that has been popping up more and more lately.  So, I figured who knows the joke better than me.  I should write it out for those who are interested because let’s be honest, what else am I doing today.  Actually, a lot of things, but that is not the point.  Here’s the joke and the transcribed album (official?) version:
I had to teach my students the history of America one time.  These are difficult concepts for adults, let alone kids to understand.  So I figured I’d use their favorite thing in the world to relate the story to them, right.  Which was snacks.  So, this is the history of the United Snacks of America.
Hundreds of years ago, the Crackers broke free from the oppressive reign of the Fig Newtons.  And they moved to that magical cookie jar across the sink.    They were tired of being taxed – “Taxation without representation!” they said.  So, they planted the flag of freedom in this new cookie jar and the Crackers thought this was good.  There was one problem, the Peanut Butter Cookies already lived there.
This didn’t bother the Crackers.  So, they crushed the Peanut Butter Cookies, leaving nothing but a trail of crumbs behind – where you can gamble or go buy cheap tobacco today.  After a while, the Crackers grew tired of doing the tasks they believed were beneath them.
“We’re Crackers!  We shouldn’t have to farm or build things!” so they thought.
So, you know what they did, right?  They abducted the Brownies.  Because the Crackers hated the brownies because they were nutty and full of flavor.  Brownies can dance, Crackers can’t – everybody knows that.  Then one day, one Cracker freed all the Brownies and there was a big war – Cracker killing Cracker.  Eventually the good Crackers won and the Brownies were freed.  Although they were only considered three-fifths of a Cracker, but they took what they could get, you know.
But, now they didn’t have anyone to do the work for them, so you know what the Crackers did next.  They got the Doritos from underneath the sink – and paid them lower wages for the same work.  There’s some talk about building a chip clip to keep them down there, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  They forgot the Bagels control all the money, right?
So, where are we now in the cookie jar you might be asking yourself.  Well, I think its safe to say we’re all of us united, you know, in our fear of the Fortune Cookies.  There’s like a billion of them and we owe them a lot of money.  They all have such tasty wisdom wrapped up inside – you’re rucky numbers.  I think we’re also united in our anger at the Pecan Sandies for controlling all the crisco for so long.  And the Crouissants have never been any help.  They seem to have forgotten that if it wasn’t for us, they’d be speaking Strudel right now.
But, in the end it doesn’t matter who we are or what our differences are.  We can always overcome here in this magical cookie jar of ours – I think we’ve proven that.  I mean, look at the Crackers and Brownies for example.  We’ve put aside our differences.  Hell, we even started making families together and that is how the Oreo Cookie was born…and is now the President of the United States of America.
And that’s the story of America.
If you have been looking for this online, I hope it finds you.  Here’s a video version I have online:

In case you were curious, the beautiful artwork that is pictured above is from a long-lost (not lost at all) animation of an early version of this joke recorded on a handheld digital recorder.  Will this animation ever see the light of day?  Maybe.  There is some exciting stuff in the future, let’s not spoil it, okay? (I’m talking to myself here)

2 Replies to “Transcript of "The United Snacks of America"”

  1. I feel like there should be a part two to this. Something about current events. Like how as time went on the crackers eventually began to turn into doughnuts and the epidemic spread throughout the country. Then how many of the crackers avoided this fate by turning into granola bars but many more would go too far and become protein bars who scared all the other cookies away and would only be accepted in professional sporting events. Some of the crackers figured out they could run the cookie jar on potato batteries and tried to convince the others to stop trying to fight the pecan sandies over the crisco. Just a thought.

  2. Ryan should get shorter version on Back of a T-Shirt with the cartoon image of history on front. I think it would be a bigg seller via social media and beyond.

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